This title may seem a little on the harsh side but having lived in Bali for the past six years and having spent plenty of time on Lombok… “TRUST NO ONE” is one of the best pieces of advice I can offer.

When you land on either of these paradise islands and breath in that intoxicating ocean air, unbutton your shirt and feel the warm tropical breeze on your chest, optimism and brotherly love magically permeate your soul. Sweet smiling brown eyed Indonesians are bowing to you, carrying your luggage, wearing flowers behind their ears, messaging your shoulders and in general treating you better than, perhaps, you have ever been treated in your life.

You feel trusting. Safe. And why wouldn’t you? Look at them, they are radiant… it’s true.

And it is the very truth that can so easily over-ride your basic instincts and allow you to lower your guard just enough to get taken to the cleaners and turn what could have been a perfect holiday into a less than perfect one.

So, travel law #1… TRUST NO ONE.

From the minute you land until the minute you pass through the last x-ray machine on your way out keep your guard up!

The array of scams and swindles that you may encounter on your Bali-Lombok adventure are far too myriad, from Police extorting your money at the side of the road to being pick pocketed in Denpasar market, to cover in this article, so I will use the “money changer” scam as a lesson.

Changing Money
One of the first things you will do on your Indo excursions is to deal with your finances. Now you have already prepared yourself mentally, thanks to your trusty guidebook, to pay as little as is humanly possible for your maximum amount of enjoyment. The clinical name for this condition is known technically as “cheap-ass-it is” and it can take you over to such a degree that you are actually taking coins back from a taxi driver.

Travel tip #1… Never take coins from anyone, ever!

Or worse, yet trekking down back allies in search of a better exchange rate.

The least you could lose in this percentage point challenge will be the most precious and non recoupable of commodities… father time. The most you could lose is a portion of that cold hard cash that just stumbled over countless broken sidewalk stones trying to make the most of.
Here is how you get had
You look at the board out front… the rate is better than others and look they don’t charge a commission. You go in.

You are greeted with a friendly smile. You lay your money down… tack tack tack… a number appears with many zeros behind it and your quick math tells you that you are in the right place…

Voila… all of a sudden there are many piles of multi-colored notes with a variety of war heroes all looking at you. Butterflies.

Your tally man will now allow you to count or even help you with this core always smiling… always friendly… and always making sure to use small denominations for maximum memorization…

You are satisfied… your total still glows in the calculator… the counter is covered in rupiahs.

So, in accordance with island cordiality and the exchanger scoops up this unruly sum and with a couple of taps on the counter your money is in a neat tidy bundle and you are on your way.

Then you are outside and it’s too late.

What you didn’t see was the half open drawer behind the counter where a few slices of your bread were ever so cleverly dropped off the back of the loaf by an unbelievable simple slide of hand… you’ve been hood-winked by a hood-weeny and you haven’t even made it to the beach yet.

I saw it happen right there in Kuta Square.

So if your money changer starts pulling out all kinds of small bills and you get that suspicious feeling in your stomach… man… hit the pause button and get yourself outta there.

Rule: if the place looks dodgy, it probably is dodgy.

Always follow your instincts, they are usually right.

Accept only hundreds and fifties.

There is no such thing as “No Commision”.

Don’t be fueled by cheap limitations.

This is only one of dozens of scams. Indonesian may not always come across as the smartest people, but they sure are clever.

The guy selling marijuana works for the cops. The guy selling young girls works for the pimps. The kids selling time-share will call you at your hotel everyday. The guy take you to mushroom dealer is quadrupling the price. The bag handlers at the Padang Bay ferry are extortionists. Even the donation box at the Mother Temple in Bali is rigged (why would the Mother Temple need your money?).

The guy selling unbelievably cheap beach front is just plain unbelievable. Watch out for that motorcycle insurance swindle.

Now all that said, you have landed in one of the most magical places on earth. Untold surfing, scuba-diving, deserted beaches, endless hiking not to mention pumping clubs, cheap ice-cold Bintang, Nasi Goreng by the bowlful and more mysticism than you can shake an incense stick at.

Nevertheless, when you have this many good things in one place there are also must be the same number of bad… Confucius even said so.

So keep your thinking cap screwed on tight, your guard up and follow those instincts. You are the target.

Now get lost… you know how much fun it can be.

If you have even a little time to spare on your Bali holiday, Lombok is not to be missed.

Kuta Lombok is the main attraction. If you leave Bali in the morning you will be dining in Kuta Lombok by evening. And if all you spent in this rustic beach town was two days, it would be two days you will never forget. Set among dry craggy volcanic hills Kuta Lombok is a strange oddly empty tourist town populated by a few broken down hotels, a couple of OK places to stay, one giant five star Novotel, a small group of motorcycle boys and a very charming group of sarong, tshirt, necklace and pencil sellers.

The roads are empty most of the day. Horse and buggy ply the roads transporting local folks with their purchases from the morning market. Modified pick-up trucks form the bemo brigade and water buffalo round out the scene basking in the mud holes or quietly munching on roadside grasses attended by hand-rolled cigarette smoking cowboys under home-made hats.

The coastal drives are world class leading to deserted beaches of untold beauty. The surfing is superb altho Gerupuk Bay has been decimated by crowds of Lombok surf but remains cultish in status. The other breaks are myriad and generally far from Kuta and not easily reached.

The island of Lombok is Muslim with a small mix of balinese Hindus leftover from Bali’s occupation of that island in the 1800′s. Financially Lombok is a very poor island as can be witnessed by taking a trip down some of the backstreets of Kuta or the backroads surrounding the area. Most dwellings are still made of bamboo and few even have flooring other than dirt. Friendly and good natured, the Sasak people suffer from bad press regarding roadside robbery, pilfering from hotel rooms and of course Islamic radicalism.

Unfortunately the tales are true altho if you tallied the numbers of robberies and murders Bali wears the crown. But the sun shines brighter on the island of the gods and the thereby obscures the true colour.
therefore it is wise to be wise and streetwise when visiting Lombok.

Do not! I repeat do not follow the advice of any guide books or persons that recommend that tipping is not expected or appreciated in bali – lombok! If there was ever a time to give it up for the third world the time is now.

For the passed 20 plus years the Lonely Planet and related travel bibles have been instrumental in perpetrating a “no tip “epidemic throughout south-east asia based on the fact that tipping is not common amongst its people…

This is true, South Asians in general don’t tip after meals, after taxi rides, room cleanings.. The list goes on. Whether it is because 90% of Asians subsist at or below the poverty line or simply their general disdain for the working class ( see colonial occupations 1600 to 1947 ).

This local practice should not prevent you, the well off first world traveler from sharing the wealth with your not very well off third world brothers and sisters.

For the record, the tourism crisis presently looming over bali – lombok is very severe and in the very early stages of what will go down in history as the musim miskin… ” the season of the poor “. Tourism suffers extremely and there is no end in sight.

Many a traveller, especially in Bali, include spiritual enlightenment and inner peace ideas in there trip itineraries. Many more are just here to relax and have a good time. So here is an easy way to enhance your holiday, achieve enlightenment and make your good times better through simple generosity…

Tipping… It’s beautiful thing.

Here’s the financial breakdown.
The global tipping standard sits presently at a sunny 15% ( Australia and New Zealand not included ) i suggest a 10% indonesian standard which makes for easy arithmatic and justifiable third world differential…
Rp 10 000 = $1 u.s…. So 10% = 10 cents or Rp 1000 ( the dirty blue ones ).

And even if the bill includes a 21% service tax, it is almost guaranteed that these monies will never make their way into the the intended pockets ( see Soeharto system 1963 – 1998 ). So slip a little something under the plate for the lowly server… And not those dirty coins… They are almost worthless and more of an insult than a compliment. Remember five thou = fifty cents. Guaranteed you will feel lighter… Refreshed… Transcended.

Here is a monthly wage overview for you in case you think i’m over philanthropic or too interested in the welfare of the common man.

Average wages of local indonesian workers;
Waiter $40 month; Roomboy $30 month; Front Offfice reception $50; Taxi Driver $50; Garbage Man $30 month; Policeman $100 ( before tips ); Massage Lady $100; Surf tour guide $300 ++ and so on. Now if you subtract apartment rental, daily food and gasoline, baby food and clothes, school fees etc. It becomes apparent that nobody is bringing home a whole lot-o-bacon ( surf guides excepted ) and hence the immence appreciation of any and all gratuities that we are able to float to our gracious ( police excepted ) Asian caretakers.

And i know there are already a whole lot-o-tippers reading this so hats off to all of you… Keep it up and spread the word.

Butt for those who sit nervously on the tipping fence and especially you scary “anti-tippers” may i suggest you buy one less t-shirt, go for one less spa treatment, order one less big mac… And so on.

Now before i go and while we are on the topic of give and take i would like to offer one more final variation that is also win win…

Almost everyone, either living here or on a simple South-East Asia sojourn, is in possession of at least one article of clothing, if not several ( see front packers ) that you don’t ever wear or when you see yourself in the mirror with it on you know damn well you shouldn’t wear. So the solution to this fashion overabundance is simple… And the chile peppers said it best… “give it away now!”…it’s that simple… Give it away… Now. ( don’t wait for the biwa bazaar ) give it to someone you met, leave it in your hotel room, give it to someone you never met, give it to a garbage man, hell throw it out the window of the car taking you to the airport. It doesn’t matter where you leave that extraneous thing because no matter where it is left rest assured that within 24 short hours it will be washed and ironed and on the body of someone who has less than you. And the planet will be that much less lonely

Thank you for reading this. Don’t forget to get lost and remember… Don’t be fuelled by cheap by limitations. Tip everyone…

- The lost guy -

Sms me if you need help 08179784196
Or email me at
Pondokpitaya@yahoo.com

Picture by ChristopherAllman.

Now comes the all important matter of accomodation. Obviously I cannot tell you where to stay although I have my favorite spots but I can tell you how to stay and this information is ultimately more valuable than the where.

Be it chosen from your guide-book, recommended, offered by a street promotor or stumbled upon by accident “the hotel room” is an all important part of your holiday. Many a traveller take this matter very seriously while others are just happy to have a mattress and a water faucet, which is sometimes all you get. Wherever you check in always remember, you are in southeast asia so accomodation is different than the west.

Get the most out of your hotel. It’s an art.

BE PREPARED
No matter where the hotel… the Gili’s, Kuta Lombok or Kuta Bali, if it’s a back-packer type place you can expect any or all of the following;

NO TOILET PAPER … TISSUE GULUNG
Remember Asians don’t use the stuff so it is difficult for them to understand how high we hold the lowly roll. Usually they will supply it but always carry a pack of kleenex just in case. And if you want to buy a roll it’s called “tissue gulung.”

NO SOAP … SABUN
As unbelievable as this may seem many establishments look at soap as an unessarry expenditure and rely on the tourist to bring their own… so make a bar or two of Lifebouy part of your kit. The Lifebouy wrapper makes an excellent used soap carrier… open from one end… don’t throw it out.

NO TOWEL … HANDUK
Another unbelievability but in many of the lower priced places they simply don’t supply any form of body drying apparatus, except for bed sheets which work in a pinch. So pack a towel ( handuk ) or purchase one at the nearest shop because you will encounter many a hotel that offer the same absence of towel. Another handy solution, for this and other problems on the road, is the sarong. A sarong is a thin length of material worn like a dress by both sexes and is a very handy thing. Aside from making a really cool looking and comfortable garment, the sarong can be used as a towel, a bed sheet or blanket, a beach mat, curtain, dirty clothes carrier and even a scarf. Most travellers will buy a sarong before they leave Indonesia, because they are great looking, useful, exotic and cheap. $3 to $10. And make great gifts. So my advise is to pick up a sarong as soon as you land and enjoy its many functions as you go. If you want a traditional one
( no dolphins ) you will have to go to a local market.

NO BLANKET … SAPUT
It’s true… not even a sheet. Not that it really matters in this awesome climate but some waywards do like something on top of them when they sleep… once again… sarong.

MOSQUITO COILS… OBAT NYAMUK
The name in Indonesian is ” nyamuk ” meaning mosquito and ” obat ” meaning medicine so turn it around and you get obat nyamuk. Baygon is the trade name and mosquito coils is generally understood.
Some places supply mosquito coils… most do not.

So if you like sleeping undisturbed, who doesn’t, then make sure to purchase a box of mosquito coils and some anti-mosquito lotion.

Small packets of mosquito repellent are available at most little shops ( toko ). Autan is the common name. Whatever you end up calling it, obat nyamuk is very important and once again if you have it when you check in then you will be set up come bed time. Buy a box of coils… it costs nothing, lasts a good long time and makes a huge difference in getting those long awaited holiday sleeps.

Malaria is everywhere for the record… altho not common… the Balinese like to say that malarial mosquitos live only in Lombok and Lombokians like to say the same in reverse. Common sense tells us that bugs have no borders. So if you are concerned then pop those big colored pills. I’ve been here seven years and have heard of one person ( local ) catching malaria. Use your own judgement.

LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION
Firstly let me say that what these back packer hotels lack in western amenities they make up for in service… this may not be apparent to the uninitiated Indo traveller but you can literally sit on your front porch and have almost anything lain at your feet. Indonesians are helpful by nature and happy to help the guest. So absolutely anything you need, ask the front desk or room boys. From motorcycle rental to girl rental, tickets to shows or washing your clothes… ask the hotel staff… you will be amazed.

The length of your stay in whichever destination is a critical factor in determining where you will hang your hat. For example you are spending a week in Ubud, Bali… you have time to travel backwards and forwards between your hotel and the town center so you can check in to a room outside the center for the rice paddy views. Or alternately, you have only a day or three and are on foot… better you go for the room that is close to the action. You will always be in walking distance from your hotel making for greater flexibility all around. Easy in easy out.

THE PRICE – HARGA
In case you don’t know, Indonesia is the land of negotiation… in fact its the same word, ” nego ” and there is no shame in asking for a deal… when checking into any accomodation it is generally the rule to ask for a deal… and it is that simple… none of this vip executive discounts business. ” Can I get a cheaper price?” in english or “Bisa kurang?” in bahasa Indonesia. And be reasonable… if the price is already rock-bottom then ease up. Of course there is the old ” no breakfast ” routine which makes sense only if the breakfast is substantial. But deals are available… all you have to do is ask.

USE THE SAFETY BOX – KOTAK KUNCI
There is no vague area here… every hotel should have a safe of some kind… if they don’t have a safe or safety box and you have things you value; camera, wallet etc. then you are indeed at risk. This is the third world. They covet those things you have and stealing is common on both islands.

Lock-boxing is the only true safegaurd against losing those valuables. It takes an extra ten minutes and feels like an inconvenience but that ten minutes is well worth the heartache and hassles you will face if you get ripped off. Crime is on the increase… times are very tough… tourism is way down. LOCK IT.

ROOM BOYS – ROOM BOY
The unsung hero of indonesian travel… like the taxi drivers who are wealths of street level knowledge… the room boy knows where to get things you need and is happy to go out and get them for you while you sit back and relax. ie ” Hello, permissi, can you please buy me a box of mosquito coils a bar of Lifebouy (sabun)?” Give them the money and they will return momentarily with your goods. Also very knowlegable in matters sexual and are more than happy to assist in this regard.

It takes a little getting used to but once you get the hang of it, you feel like a star. And of course tips are expected and appreciated.

LATE CHECK OUT
The extra-seasoned traveller will ask for a late check out while he is checking in… get it out of the way… you won’t have to think about it again. On the day of your check out remind them again and ask for a two o-clock… all they can say is no. It’s free… use it.

TRANSPORT
Almost every hotel, no matter how small, is hooked up with a car and driver or car and motorcycle rental. These are either family members or friends so in keeping with inn keeping your hotel becomes your home and your caretakers your holiday family. So if you utilize their services it becomes very convenient for you and profitable for them. Once again you haven’t left the grounds… more time for site seeing. Watch out for the police.

RELIGEOUS CEREMONY AND THE HOTEL
Experiencing a “real” religeous ceremony on either island could easily be one of the most memorable and exciting things you can do on a Bali-Lombok holiday. In Bali they are a little more open about having westerners join in their ceremonies and there are many more to attend. But a traditional Sasak (lombok) ceremony is every bit as exciting and colorful. So if you are really interested in attending a local gathering, ask the staff at the hotel. If one of the workers is having a ceremony back in their village, they will have the day off work and will be happy to have you to attend. And they absolutely love to show you a slice of their life… and what a slice. Don’t forget your sarong.

CHECK OUT – THE BAG STASH
The ultimate move for the wise traveller is the world renown yet highly under-utilized… bag stash… there is no way in the world you will need all that stuff for a seven day trip to Lombok… so man, enlighten your load… store the bulk in a cardboard box or one of your many packs and stash it with your new family… they won’t fuck with it, rest assured, and you will feel thirty pounds lighter, and look less like a target. Stashing is usually free altho it depends on how long you leave it for and if you will be spending the night when you return to the stash spot.

LEAVE SOMETHING BEHIND
The W.S.T.A .( world standard tipping association ) calls for a ten percent tip for maids. We all know that there is no way that this is happening but knowing that they have cleaned your room and served you breakfast every day and they earn about $50 a month there is no question about leaving a tip.
Monetarily… anything is better than nothing ( except for coins as they are all worthless ) so even 5000 rupiahs ( 50 cents ) means you just bought that cleaner lunch… so give it up for the cleaning staff.
They clean your bathroom.

And almost every one of us has an article or two that we could ( should ) live without… so my advice is to leave it with your favorite staff member… once again the guys who clean your room often go unrewarded… if you have one of these questionable articles of clothing, shoes, sunglasses whatever… just leave it in the room … it will find a nice home.

I wish I could tell you all where to stay but that info is well covered in thicker more expensive guide books. But knowing ” how to stay ” is much more important than where. Remember always carry the card from your hotel in case you need it or memorize the address so you always have it on you.

Contact me if you need to… have a good time in Bali-Lombok and don’t forget to… Get Lost.